Accidentally in love

I've found love where I didn't expect to, but then I guess no one expects it. Relationships of late have left me fearful and it's wonderful to know that I need not fear with this man.

Craven capitulation

I created a Facebook profile. I hate social networking sites. I'm ashamed. It was peer pressure. It was the sense that the bandwagon was about to jump the shark and I felt I should at least try to be along for the ride. I will probably deactivate my account again and sooner or later none of my online friends (who are also my real life friends) will want to be online friends with me anymore (but they will still be my real life friends). I know that it makes people feel good to have the sense of connection with people with whom they have no real connection. I have a real connection to some of the people I'm going to have a fake connection with on Facebook. This is so dumb. But it's the modern way.

Preparation

I've heard people say that you should prepare for the life you want to live. Unsure what that means, I've decided to figure out what life I am preparing for now, and see if there's anything else I think I should be doing.

I seem to be preparing for the life of someone with healthy teeth, gums and bones, moderate strength, endurance and flexibility, no children, and a lifelong dependence on prescription nasal spray. So far this is okay with me. I'm also preparing for the life of a financially independent person by saving for retirement and not buying anything until I can afford it. So far I haven't prepared to be a homeowner, aside from maintaining good credit, but I think that's because if I own a home I want to really love it and so far that opportunity hasn't presented itself. So I'm preparing to be someone who commits to her home. I can usually move in one large car, although I've recently got a nice mattress that I might want to take with me next time I go. In this way I seem to prepare myself to jump ship at a moment's notice; this is not a preparation for a settled life. I have not 'invested' in anything, aside from my IRA - not jewelry, not a good suit, not a great pair of jeans or boots or even a digital camera. I found that when my hard drive died I was sad to have lost some of the songs I'd downloaded and some of the photos, but not too sad.

I've been through therapy and am still working on things, but I am useless in relationships because I try so hard to never cause any problems and to just accept everything. Or I go out with people I don't really like and treat them however I want. So far I am still in the early preparation mode for a successful relationship.

So I'm preparing for a life of good health, few attachments and the possibility of eventual commitment to a place, and even further eventually to a person. I could be making more of an effort in my professional area, but nobody's perfect.

Except my grandma.

I have enough friends

Every time someone bails on me I feel I should be thanking them for doing me a favor, because their presence does me more harm than good and I wouldn't have whatever it takes to push them away. And then I get angry at them for pushing me away, but really I must be angry with myself, right? For not respecting myself enough to flick them from my skin like so many mosquitoes.

Moody!

Good...bad. Good...bad. Baaaaaaaaaad...better.
Today I bailed on a massage job opportunity, mainly because it seemed like a bigger hassle than it was really worth to me. I know I run away from everything that smacks of commitment, anything that impairs my freedom to run away or make plans at the last moment...but I'm torn over whether this is an egregious example of that character flaw.

Stay Frosty

I'm fighting the urge to say this to my brother every time I say goodbye to him. He won't find it anywhere near as funny as I do.

He's frosty but he's cute too - look at him with his nephew:

When it's over

I look forward to change - once it happens I'm not usually thrilled with the result, but there's always the hope that it will be better, and sometimes it is, at least for a little while. But I wonder how I'll feel about death, when it looks like it's coming soon. It's not really change for the person who's dying - it's the end of change. It usually represents a big change for those left behind, though. Both of my paternal grandparents are nearing the end now; my grandmother has been unwell for years now and has made it clear that while she loves all of us, she's ready. But she's stuck in a hospital room attached to oxygen. Her husband of 71 years fell two weeks ago and broke his hip - since then he's been not in his right mind and is now refusing to eat. They are both in their 90s and have lived long and interesting lives, much longer than most. I was sad earlier thinking that when one of them goes the other one will likely not even be aware of it - but then realized it's probably better that way for them. It's only bad for those of us watching.

I don't know what to do about my moods - I'm angry, so angry I'm clenched and shaking, with chest pains, and then once that's over I'm crushed, just completely sad. I have no ambition and no direction, and neither of those things even seems like something I would want. This is why change is attractive to me: something new is always good when you don't have any real drive - when you have nothing to lose you don't really mind leaving things behind and starting fresh, because maybe this is where happiness finally lies ('lie' being the operative word there - you can't find happiness in a new place). But how long can I go on like this - and how long before the end of change starts to seem more attractive than yet more change itself? The drugs don't work.